Botched

Oh boy. My experience with Botched (2007) is the model for the pitfalls of an "awarded film." The film's blurb on Netflix sounded promising: a botched heist, a muderous psycho, gorefest. Plus, the kicker: it won Best Feature at the NYC Horror Film Festival in 2007. Well, I figured, New Yorkers know good film. Or at least fun film. Or so I thought. That's the last time I let a populist award sway my renting decision.

Well, one thing is for certain. They picked the perfect word to describe this film. Botched is right. This thing is an utter disaster. The producers, directors, and writers obviously had no idea what they wanted this film to be. Is it a heist-gone-wrong film? Is it atmospheric horror? Is it horror-comedy? Is it slapstick? God help me, but I think the film's creators were striving for slapstick horror on this one. Yes, that kind of movie can be pulled off. For examples, see the Evil Dead movies and Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, among others. But it's not a genre to be attempted without at least an iota of acting talent and pretty kick-ass writing crew. Or else you end up with a trainwreck like Botched.

The action follows our protagonist, Ritchie (Steven Dorff) as he attempts to pull of a heist in Moscow with a couple of Russian brothers, Peter and Yuri. But the heist is botched from the get-go, as Peter unloads his itchy trigger finger on an innocent woman. During their escape, the trio end up with elevator trouble and find themselves trapped on the 13th floor (how original) with a group of hostages, including a couple of computer nerds, an attractive Russian businesswoman, an ex-military security guard, and a trio of religious fanatics. Soon enough, a mysterious killer slowly (wayyyyy toooooo slowly) starts offing people and dragging their bodies off to his lair. Now the heist-men and the hostages are going to have to work together to get off the 13th floor alive.

Let's just start with the litany of atrociousness in this movie, shall we? Aside from Geoff Bell as Boris the security guard, there is not an ounce of acting ability in this cast. They're abysmal. You'd think that sometime in the course of his long career that Steven Dorff wold have learned how to act. Alas, no. He takes his place alongside Keanu Reeves as the "generic placeholder" actors of our generation.

The writing and directing, also terrible. The pacing sucks. It's so freakin slow! The characters spend way more time talking about what they're going to do, or just aimlessly milling around, than actually doing anything. And the lines these poor actors have to deliver! They're terrible. Nobody talks like that. Each character isn't really a person, they're an overblown charicature. But the biggest sin enacted against this movie was not actually hiring any RUSSIANS. The cast is American. The movie is set in, let's see, where was it again? Oh yeah, MOSCOW! American actors, speaking English. With really terrible Russian accents. It's hideous.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the crazy psychotic killer. At first glance, he's kinda like the Kurgan from Highlander. Hey, not bad, right? Oh wait, no. On second glance, he's kinda like the Kurgan..... if the Kurgan were an incompetent disco-loving ballerina, that is.

And the "twist" at the end? It's not exciting, and it's hardly even relevant to the story. Twist? Who gives a shit? Just please, roll the fucking credits and let us get on with our lives.

Storyline & plot: 0/10

Cinematography & effects: 4/10

Music & mood: 2/10

Performances: 1/10

The Reverend says: 1/10

Lifeforce

Lifeforce (1985) has a lot going for it. Insanely hot space vampires. A zombie epidemic. Patrick Stewart (was that guy ever not bald?). What more could you ask for? In my book, not a whole lot. This film is fun, scary, and epic, and I have no idea why it bombed at the box-office.

The film opens on an international space crew about to board an alien vessel that they've found among the asteroids and space debris of the tail of Halley's Comet. Amid the dessicated corpses of a bat-like alien species, the astronauts discover 3 nude humanoid lifeforms in suspended animation. Once back on earth, the aliens revive, escape, and begin draining the lifeforce from Londoners, turning their victims into dessicated zombies, and sparking an epidemic on the the streets of London. The city's only hope may be Colonel Carlsen (Steve Railsback), lone surviving member of the space shuttle crew, who apparently has a mysterious link to the space vampires. Carlsen and Colonel Caine (Peter Firth) from the British SAS frantically track the lead vampire as her essence hops from body to body, hoping to trap her in a body long enough to dispose of her.

Oh, and did I mention that the lead vampire (Mathilda May) is insanely hot? Did I also mention that she spends almost every single second of her screentime completely nude? Seriously, how did this movie not do well??

What Lifeforce has going on the surface is quite enough to make it a good fun movie, but it's the subtle undercurrents that make it great. The film examines issues as diverse as identity, gender, destiny, the soul, the afterlife, and world folklore and legends. And it's scary? And there's zombies? And there's an extremely gorgeous, extremely naked woman? This movie was seriously underrated in its own time, and although it has gathered a small cult following in the 25 years since its release, it is still woefully ignored.

I mean, come on! Lifeforce was helmed by a legendary director in Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergeist) The score for the film, which is gloriously bombastic and epic, was composed by the legendary Henry Mancini. The film includes a relatively early big-screen performance from Patrick Stewart, who has since gone on to become a legend in his own right. How many times do I have to say legendary??

The acting is awesomely classicly British, the score is phenomenal, the story draws on lots of horror and folklore tropes while still being unique. True, by today's standards, some of the effects are slightly hokey (but only slightly), but in terms of 1985, these were top-of-the-line effects.

My recommendation: definitely check this one out. It's got a lot going on, and you're bound to find something you can get behind.

Storyline & plot: 9/10

Cinematography & effects: 8/10

Music & mood: 10/10

Performances: 6/10

The Reverend says: 8/10

Scooby-Doo in Arabian Nights

Head, meet wall. Repeat. That's what I feel like doing after watching a third Hannah-Barbera crapfest masquerading as a Scooby-Doo movie. To be fair, Scooby-Doo in Arabian Nights (1994) seems light-years ahead of its predecessors The Ghoul School and The Reluctant Werewolf, but it's still pretty terrible.

In fact, calling this a Scooby Doo movie is a pretty good hand of false advertising. The movie starts out with Scooby and Shaggy (no Scrappy this time, thank god, but no Fred, Daphne, or Velma, either) arriving at the Caliph's palace to apply for the job of royal food tasters. Of course, instead of just tasting the Caliph's lunch, they eat the whole thing and wind up on the run from the palace guards. They end up (of course!) in the harem, where the Caliph has come to choose his bride. And, surprise surprise, the Caliph chooses a disguised Shaggy as his bride-to-be. To stall for time while Scooby thinks of an escape, Shaggy decides to tell the Caliph a few stories from the Arabian Nights.

Shag and Scoob are on screen for about ten minutes when the "real" movie starts, featuring a few other Hannah-Barbera classic characters, such as Yogi, Boo-Boo, and Magilla Gorilla in two Arabian Nights tales. Wait, what? How can you have the audacity to even call this a Scooby Doo movie? Scooby and Shaggy are merely a plot device to set up the real movie, which doesn't even feature them! What the hell is Hannah-Barbera thinking??

Well, I guess they were thinking they needed to do anything but follow the same tired slapstick comedy routine they used for Ghoul School and Reluctant Werewolf. It was a full five years between the release of Reluctant Werewolf and Arabian Nights, and one must imagine that H-B was thinking long and hard about the next step for Scooby Doo movies. The slapstick format was horrendous, DOA. It had alienated older fans, and it was so bad that even kids weren't watching it. So, what was H-B's bright idea? Let's make a Scooby Doo movie that's not really a Scooby Doo movie! Yeah.... sure.

Sure, the stories within this movie actually have a plot, and steer well away from horrific puns and tired sight gags. There's actually a twinkling of clever writing, particularly in the Golden Toothbrush segment of the Magilla Gorilla/Sinbad tale. True, this movie is infinitely more watchable than the previous two, which were painfully boring. But an audience actually looking for a movie about Shaggy and Scooby is gonna feel a little shafted.

For this film, the animation quality is a bit crisper than previously, but honestly, I hate it. It feels flat. The colors are super crisp and bright. This animation is lacking the darkness and depth that was always a hallmark of the original Scooby Doo series.

The bottom line: Arabian Nights is better than its two predecessors, but it's still pretty sad and it's not even really a Scooby Doo movie. I recommend skipping this one as well.

Storyline & plot: 6/10

Cinematography & effects: 3/10

Music & mood: 2/10

Performances: 4/10

The Reverend says: 4/10

Twin Peaks, season 1

I never caught "Twin Peaks" (1990) on TV its first time around, mostly because I was 7 years old and much more interested in watching "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon. But over the years since "Twin Peaks" had its legendary 2 seasons in the early 90s, I've caught bits and pieces of its far-flung influences. I met a few people who talked about "Twin Peaks" here and there, and I came to see that the show was a love it or hate it phenomenon. The shows fans are not quite like any other fans, and they are quite passionate about "Twin Peaks." Of course, now I understand. Now, I'm one of those fans.

In the simplest terms possible, "Peaks" is about the titular town in Washington state, where Laura Palmer, a high school prom queen, has just been raped and murdered, and a very quirky FBI agent has been called in to solve the crime. Agent Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) soon discovers that Twin Peaks' tranquil exterior belies a dark and complex underbelly of drugs, prostitution, murder, and shady business deals.

Watching "Peaks" now, I'm absolutely flabbergasted that it was aired on the ABC network. Honestly, I've never seen anything like this show, and it most definitely does not feel like a major network drama. A show like "Peaks" would never find an audience or even a chance on a major network today. It feels like an HBO or Showtime original series, minus the swearing, ultraviolence, and nudity. But it has plenty of adult themes, including rape, murder, torture, gambling, and whoring, among others.

The show's structure is different from what you'd see in a primetime drama nowadays. Other than the pilot episode, there's no traditional set-up, action, and resolution. "Peaks" is much more akin to soap operas in that each show leads directly into the next like you've simply paused a movie and have unpaused it. This limited the show's audience in its broadcast run, because if you missed any episodes, you might find yourself extremely confused as to what's going on.

The show's resemblance to a soap opera goes beyond structure and into content. Like a daytime drama, in "Twin Peaks," everyone seems to be double-crossing everyone, there are huge complicated interrelationships to untangle, and everybody seems to be sleeping with at least a couple different people at a time.

Normally, I wouldn't be a fan of this kind of content and structure, but with creator/director David Lynch's strange and surreal touch, everything is so weird and intriguingly sinister that you can't help but watch. I think that is Lynch's greatest attribute: finding the sinister side to everything. Ordinary events and circumstances are suddenly heavy with dread and potential meaning. The audience is not allowed to ignore anything, because everything means something. This makes for a very engaging and fun viewing experience.

Angelo Badalamenti's score for the show relies on variations on a few simple themes. Part romance, part suspense, Badalamenti draws on slow and steady crooner guitar licks and a dark bass beat to flesh out the sound of Twin Peaks.

The obvious and deserving star of "Peaks" season one is Kyle MacLachlan as the keen and quirky Special Agent Cooper. MacLachlan is phenomenal as Cooper, a man who can simultaneously relish in the simple joy of a fine cup of coffee, and ferret out the complex machinations of a deeply corrupt town. MacLachlan's work here is so good, it's practically indescribable. He makes Cooper one of the most memorable characters in television history. And MacLachlan is really just a stand-out in a superb ensemble cast.

To sum it up, in "Twin Peaks," David Lynch has created a unique and singular television experience, and I, for one, am a huge fan. Looking forward to the 22 episodes of the 2nd and final season of the show.

Storyline & plot: 10/10

Cinematography & effects: 7/10

Music & mood: 8/10

Performances: 10/10

The Reverend says: 9/10

In Bruges

Ever since I first saw TV spots for In Bruges (2008) early last year, I knew I had to see it. A darkly existential hitman buddy comedy? Oh hell yeah, that sounds like my type of movie. I was even willing to completely overlook the fact that the lead was Colin Farrell, who I'd only actually seen in one movie (Minority Report) because his entire corpus of films looked like boring crime or war action/dramas. Yawn. Plus, he just seems like kinda a dick in real life. Anyway, my personal problems with Colin Farrell aside, this movie looked fantastic from the get-go, though such an early theatrical release (Feb. 8, 2008) is usually not a good sign for this type of movie. Usually, producers would look for a summer release date to tap into the film's action side, or a late-year release to harness the possible awards power. A February release usually means the film is DOA. The release date is still puzzling, considering In Bruges has since garnered rave reviews, both critically and publicly, and seems destined to join such greats as Office Space and The Big Lebowski in the annals of mediocre box-office/DVD smash hit lore. But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.....

As the film starts, we join our protagonists, hitmen Ray (Farrell) and Ken (Brendan Gleeson), exiled to Bruges, Belgium after a London hit goes horribly wrong. Ray and Ken have been ordered to Bruges by Harry (Ralph Fiennes), their ganster boss, to lay low until further orders. From the first, tensions mount between Ken, who views their time in idyllicly medieval Bruges as a much needed historically-themed vacation, and the younger Ray, who soon grows bored of Bruges and turns inward to his guilt over the death of a small boy in the botched London hit. It soon becomes clear that Harry wants Ray dead as cosmic retribution for the murdered boy, and Ray struggles with the decision to accept his fate and die or flee Bruges and live. Joining Ray in his own personal purgatory are fat Americans, snobbish Canadians, a wimpy skinhead, a beautiful Brugian drug-runner, and a drugged-out racist American dwarf actor.

The image conjured by writer/director Martin McDonagh of Bruges as a purgatorial allegory is obvious, yet beautifully and artfully presented. The cinematography is exquisite, rendering Bruges a fairy-tale city (a comparison not lost on the director and used in dialogue between Harry and Ken), and a silent extra character that stands in judgment of Ray alongside his own guilty conscience. Adding to the atmosphere is the score by Carter Burwell, a strange Faustian romp that sounds like the brain-child of a deranged carnival organist.

All of the performances were top-notch (yes, even Colin Farrell), so it's hard to single one out. Instead they all fuse together to join Bruges itself in a stange and wondrous tableau that reminds us that the world is never black-and-white. Likeable people commit heinous acts. Heinous people sometimes live by strict and honorable moral codes. In Bruges asks us to examine these contradictions, and to ask tough questions. Is a monstrous crime committed by accident truly monstrous? Do we tend to overlook serious character flaws in those who've been historically disadvantaged? Should we? Does a final admirable act in any way make up for a life otherwise spent in douchebaggery? Can people truly ever change? Can this reviewer forgive an otherwise great script for one truly unbelievable death scene?

In Bruges is hilarious, thoughtful, and dark. It made me actually care about a Colin Farrell character, and that is probably its highest achievement.

Storyline & plot: 9/10

Cinematography & effects: 8/10

Music & mood: 10/10

Performances: 9/10

The Reverend says: 9/10

Hellsing series

The "Hellsing" series (2001) is comprised of 13 episodes following the Hellsing Organization, a top-secret British taskforce whose mission is to protect Britain and the Crown from the legions of the undead, primarily vampires, freaks, and ghouls. Hellsing keeps the demons at bay with specially-trained top notch soldiers, an array of holy weapons, and their own enslaved vampires, Alucard and the recently-turned Seras Victoria.

The Organization has recently faced an upsurge in the freak population, a race of man-made, bio-engineered vampires that threaten the safety of the nation. More insidious is the implication that a powerful human foe is orchestrating this surge in freak attacks. Are the freaks somehow related to the Vatican's attempts to supplant the Hellsing Organization with their own force, the Iscariot Organization? Alucard's recent run-ins with Iscariot's genetically-engineered super vampire hunter, Paladin Anderson, suggest there may be a link.

But soon, Alucard and Seras run afoul of Incognito, a mysterious vampire amassing forces of freaks and ghouls, zombies created and controlled by vampires. Since Iscariot's policy prevents them from employing the talents of vampires, Hellsing surmises that their enemy is closer to home, perhaps seeking to discredit Hellsing's leader Sir Integra (don't let the "Sir" fool you; she's a woman) and seize the Hellsing Organization from her.

The series builds slowly at first. The first few episodes appear disjointed, but soon a pattern emerges. The audience is slowly brought up to speed with the political climate surrounding the Hellsing Organization, and the threat poseds by the freaks and their creator becomes clearer. The audience is also kept somewhat in the dark as to the complexities of the relationship between Hellsing and its pet vampire, whose continued existence is technically contrary to Hellsing's sacred mission. And that's not even to mention the nature of the relationship between Alucard and Sir Integra. Ostensibly, Integra controls Alucard, exercising the rights of an arcane contract between the vampire and Integra's ancestors. Yet, Alucard often operates by his own mysterious rules, and the "controls" over him seem tenuous at best. Puzzling over Alucard's motives and motivations is just one of many subtleties employed in this surprisingly complex series.

"Hellsing"'s animation quality is not bad. Not great, but not bad. It's a step down from the clips I've seen of "Hellsing Ultimate", whose animation is brighter, gorier, and hyperreal. And the prodigious use of blurring and haloing effects in Hellsing's animation is not only distracting, but kinda gives you a headache after awhile. The music, mostly done by Yasushi Ishii, is usually good, including the awesome jangly piano pop opening theme. Unfortunately, there are the occasional regrettable lapses into sickly sweet Japanese pop, and the truly unfortunate choice of end-credit music, Mr. Big's power ballad crapfest "Shine."

As a foreign-language film purist, I initially tried to watch the series in the original Japanese with English subtitles, but halfway through the first episode, I couldn't take it anymore. The English subtitles on the DVD were awkward and inaccurate. I figured that voice synch wasn't extremely relevant in an anime, so I took the chance and switched over to the English dub. MUCH better! This is no hastily-cobbled together dub. The voice-acting here is pretty superb, complete with appropriate British accents, except for Alucard and Icognito, who, as vampires, I suppose are immune to accents. Crispin Freeman is great as Alucard, veering from solemn and hollow to ragingly maniacal, all while maintaining Alucard's trademark smirking, sarcastic humor.

"Hellsing" is a complex, fun, and engaging anime series with fairly good music and an excellent English dub. I am not familiar with the corresponding manga, but I understand that it is much more complex, and I wish that the anime had more episodes so it could properly represent the manga source. I'm looking forward to the "Hellsing Ultimate" OVA so I can compare it with this series.

Storyline & plot: 8/10

Cinematography & effects: 6/10

Music & mood: 6/10

Performances: 9/10

The Reverend says: 7/10

Reeker

Reeker (2005) is a fun B-horror flick set at an abandoned motel in the middle of the desert. Five college kids (who, oddly, only vaguely know each other) head off to a massive rave in the middle of the desert. But when their car runs out of gas, they're forced to a stop at a deserted diner/motel. But something's not quite right. The diner hasn't been abandoned for long. There's food still on the tables and a cigarette still smoldering in an ashtray. The highway is eerily empty, even for the middle of nowhere. Cell phones find no signal. Scanning the radio dial and the CB waves reveals little more than staticky fragments. Now the kids are left to puzzle out this unsettling mystery as night falls and a foul-smelling killer stalks and kills them one by one.

This film from writer/director/composer Dave Payne really excels in many aspects but falls flat in a few others. Payne obviously put the most effort into the movie's score, which is a great mix of traditional and quirky contemporary. However, writing is obviously not his strong suit. Some of the film's dialogue is so bad as to be down-right cringe-inducing, the characters resemble horror movie archtypes a little too much, and the pacing in the middle of the film slows to a snoozing crawl. There are some serious duh moments in this film. You'll want to bang your head against the wall every time the group decides to split up and leave the blind guy all alone. Let me repeat that: they leave their BLIND friend all alone at a spooky motel in the middle of nowhere while a killer is on the loose. WTF?? And the mood swings violently from time to time. The action and dialogue goes from campy and goofy to deep and maudlin in a heartbeat, and these transitions are very distracting.

The movie starts off with a bang and great promise, featuring some shocking gore, and some pretty good makeup and effects. But everything slows way down in the middle, as the Reeker knocks off his victims at the leisurely pace of a Sunday picnic. The pacing is not all bad, though. It gives the director the time and space to insert the subtly creepy details that the audience can only fully appreciate in light of the movie's ending.

The killer's identity, motives, and appearance are kept shrouded in mystery until the end, and this really rachets the tension up. The audience is right there with the characters, completely fucking clueless as to what is going on and who or what may be stalking them. Even the killer's weapons aren't revealed until the middle of the film, but this is hardly helpful in figuring out the mystery. More than ever, you're left scratching your head and wondering what in the hell is going on. When the Reeker's physical appearance is revealed with about 20 minutes to go (but not his identity, they wisely save that til the very end), the disappointment is palpable. Not only are the effects used for the Reeker not the match of those used at the beginning of the film, but the revealed killer hardly lives up to the mysterious dread he previously inspired.

On the whole, I was pretty satisfied with this flick. The ending is not completely original (I know of two other films with a similar twist), but in this age of remakes, reboots, and rampant copying, Reeker is still pretty fresh. The effects were above average, the music was good, the atmosphere was chilling, and the attention to detail was applaudable. Had this film had a solid cast and some decent writing, it would've been great. As it stands, it's still pretty good and definitely entertaining.

Storyline & plot: 8/10

Cinematography & effects: 7/10

Music & mood: 8/10

Performances: 5/10

The Reverend says: 7/10