Botched

Oh boy. My experience with Botched (2007) is the model for the pitfalls of an "awarded film." The film's blurb on Netflix sounded promising: a botched heist, a muderous psycho, gorefest. Plus, the kicker: it won Best Feature at the NYC Horror Film Festival in 2007. Well, I figured, New Yorkers know good film. Or at least fun film. Or so I thought. That's the last time I let a populist award sway my renting decision.

Well, one thing is for certain. They picked the perfect word to describe this film. Botched is right. This thing is an utter disaster. The producers, directors, and writers obviously had no idea what they wanted this film to be. Is it a heist-gone-wrong film? Is it atmospheric horror? Is it horror-comedy? Is it slapstick? God help me, but I think the film's creators were striving for slapstick horror on this one. Yes, that kind of movie can be pulled off. For examples, see the Evil Dead movies and Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, among others. But it's not a genre to be attempted without at least an iota of acting talent and pretty kick-ass writing crew. Or else you end up with a trainwreck like Botched.

The action follows our protagonist, Ritchie (Steven Dorff) as he attempts to pull of a heist in Moscow with a couple of Russian brothers, Peter and Yuri. But the heist is botched from the get-go, as Peter unloads his itchy trigger finger on an innocent woman. During their escape, the trio end up with elevator trouble and find themselves trapped on the 13th floor (how original) with a group of hostages, including a couple of computer nerds, an attractive Russian businesswoman, an ex-military security guard, and a trio of religious fanatics. Soon enough, a mysterious killer slowly (wayyyyy toooooo slowly) starts offing people and dragging their bodies off to his lair. Now the heist-men and the hostages are going to have to work together to get off the 13th floor alive.

Let's just start with the litany of atrociousness in this movie, shall we? Aside from Geoff Bell as Boris the security guard, there is not an ounce of acting ability in this cast. They're abysmal. You'd think that sometime in the course of his long career that Steven Dorff wold have learned how to act. Alas, no. He takes his place alongside Keanu Reeves as the "generic placeholder" actors of our generation.

The writing and directing, also terrible. The pacing sucks. It's so freakin slow! The characters spend way more time talking about what they're going to do, or just aimlessly milling around, than actually doing anything. And the lines these poor actors have to deliver! They're terrible. Nobody talks like that. Each character isn't really a person, they're an overblown charicature. But the biggest sin enacted against this movie was not actually hiring any RUSSIANS. The cast is American. The movie is set in, let's see, where was it again? Oh yeah, MOSCOW! American actors, speaking English. With really terrible Russian accents. It's hideous.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the crazy psychotic killer. At first glance, he's kinda like the Kurgan from Highlander. Hey, not bad, right? Oh wait, no. On second glance, he's kinda like the Kurgan..... if the Kurgan were an incompetent disco-loving ballerina, that is.

And the "twist" at the end? It's not exciting, and it's hardly even relevant to the story. Twist? Who gives a shit? Just please, roll the fucking credits and let us get on with our lives.

Storyline & plot: 0/10

Cinematography & effects: 4/10

Music & mood: 2/10

Performances: 1/10

The Reverend says: 1/10