Monday, August 31, 2009

Pieces

I'll say this for Pieces (1982): it makes a really great MST3K-style group laugh riot movie. As a serious piece of cinema, it is fairly atrocious. We open on a home scene circa 1942. Little [insert generic little boy's name here.... I'll go with Timmy] is playing in his room. But what is Little Timmy playing with? Oh, it appears to be a puzzle featuring a nude woman.... who most definitely has an '80s hairdo despite this supposedly being 1942. Incidentally, this magical time-travelling room also has a pennant for the New England Patriots (joined the NFL in 1960) and a push-button phone (invented in 1941 but not publically available until 1963). Also, Timmy can't be older than 9; what the hell is he doing looking at nudie material? Anyway, Mommy comes in and sees Little Timmy looking at no-no naughty stuff, and goes freaking ballistic on him. Jeez, he's 9 years old, he probably doesn't even know what he's looking at, maybe a little patience, compassion, and discretion might work in dealing with him. As it is, she comes just short of smacking the shit out of him. Timmy does not appreciate this at all, and to show his disapproval, retreives an axe (from where, who knows?) and chops her to.... wait for it..... pieces. Except the obviously rubber axe bounces off Mommy's skull instead of sinking into it. Hilarious!

Fast forward 40 years (!) and a string of grisly murders has gripped a Boston area college. The murderer's weapon of choice? No axe this time; he's graduated up to a chainsaw! With occasional and random knife usage. Interestingly enough, the killer's chainsaw starts up every time on the first try with no problem. He must have the greatest chainsaw ever in the history of the universe, because I've NEVER seen a chainsaw start up on the first pull of the cord. The killer stalks the campus, preferring young nubile females, particularly if they are or have recently been topless or nude. He's also partial to dressing up like The Shadow, complete with huge black hat and cape. You'd think a guy walking around in a black hat and cape might be easy to remember, but apparently not.

So, it's pretty obvious to the audience at this point that we're looking for Little Timmy all grown up. What's not quite so obvious is where Timmy's been all these years and why he's just now getting back on murderous track. He hasn't been in jail or a hospital or insane asylum because we see him play innocent about his mother's death; the authorities never connect the murder to him. We are given no obvious trigger for renewed homicidal tendencies: no sexual spurning, no mother look-alike, no connection to the original crime or feelings of sexual frustration. Other than the connection of nubile young women, there's no reason why Little Timmy should suddenly start killing again. Are we to assume Timmy has not encountered a single attractive female in 40 years? The filmmakers are just being plain lazy here. If you're making a slasher movie, you need to have a consistent motive and M.O. If you're going to go through the trouble of setting up the backstory, why let it fall to pieces (hehe) later on?

As for the big "mystery" of who the grown up Timmy is, well, it's pretty obvious to anyone with a brain. Factoring in Timmy's age, we only have 3 possible suspects. One of those is a red herring you could smell from a mile away. Toss that one out. Now you're down to a 50/50 shot, and considering the lack of development of one of those suspects, the choice is clear. Apparently, the cops don't have much of a brain, because they initially fall for the red herring and then enlist some stupid doucheface college kid as an unofficial deputy to help solve the crime. This isn't some podunk law enforcement outfit here. It's the Boston police! They seriously don't have the resources for this case???

As I said, though, there are some really great WTF hilarious moments. When the red herring is approached by police about the murders, inexplicably, he goes crazy and starts throwing cops around like he's freaking Lou Ferrigno or something. It was awesome. And Pieces definitely has the greatest kung-fu cameo of all time. Just for shits and giggles, director Juan Piquer Simon throws in a Kung Fu instructor (what college has a Kung Fu instructor??? Bruce Lee University?) who randomly attacks our heroine, and then stumbles off and blames the incident on.... get this... bad chop suey! What. The. Fuck. And lets not forget the incredibly WTF ending shot, which makes no sense, but merely tries to capitalize on "the killer's not really dead yet" plot twist. Except it's not even the killer who pops up for one last jump scare. Huh? Yeah, this movie's just that.... awesome.

Storyline & plot: 3/10
Cinematography & effects: 3/10
Music & mood: 4/10
Performances: 4/10

The Reverend says: 3/10

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