The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Do you know what I wanted to believe? That all the negative reviews and news surrounding the latest venture into the X-Files world were overblown, the product of unreasonable expectations and over-critical fans. Because I really loved the "X-Files". I've seen every single episode and 1998's feature-length Fight the Future. I say this not as an uber-geek who wants to play X-Files trivia and cite each and every episode in which the I Want to Believe poster appeared, but rather as someone who simply enjoyed one of the best shows television has ever offered.

Unlike many other fans, I was never particularly enamored of the ongoing story arc involving Agent Mulder's nemesis the Smoking Man, alien abductions, and the vast government conspiracy meant to obfuscate the truth (although William B. Davis did consistently turn in damn fine performances as the Smoking Man). The show always kept me coming back for the skilled writing, intricate character development, and the non-arc episodes, often referred to as Monster of the Week installments. I was even a fan of the much maligned 8th and 9th seasons of the show, when Mulder and Scully (David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson) were scaled back in favor of the new X-Files agents Doggett and Reyes (Robert Patrick and Annabeth Gish). The main story arc got muddled and frankly a little silly, which turned most fans off. It didn't bother me, as I was happy to tune in for Robert Patrick's gritty and intense portrayal of John Doggett and the Monster of the Week episodes, even if Gish's listless and tepid portrayal of Agent Reyes was a complete waste of screentime.

So when I Want to Believe (2008) came under fire, I attributed it to the news I'd heard that the movie was a departure from any of the main story arcs of the show. Well, let the silly die-hard fans cry about no alien conspiracies. I just wanted to see Mulder and Scully kicking some paranormal ass like old times.

Unfortunately, all the venomous reviews turned out to have merit. There was no saving this movie from some seriously poor writing and a bafflingly mediocre plot. So, what did this X-Files movie that was 8 years in the making and highly anticipated and could have been epic or at the very least well written have to offer us? Let me tell you. Eight years have passed since Mulder's trial for various vague crimes against the government. Eight years since his subsequent expulsion from the FBI. Eight years since he went underground to avoid incarceration. And by 'underground,' I mean living in domesticity with Scully in West Virginia, less than 150 miles from FBI headquarters. For her part, Scully has retired from the FBI and pursued a career as a physician, working in an uber-Catholic hospital as an apparently highly-regarded... pediatrician? Neurosurgeon? It's never made all that clear.

Well, the FBI must not have been worried about Mulder too much in the intervening years, because they know right where to find him when they finally do need to track him down. He's sniffed out by the most unlikely pair of FBI agents ever, Amanda Peete's amateur and annoying Agent Dakota Whitney (what the hell kind of name is that?? was her previous profession pornstar? stripper?) and Xzibit's (yeah, Xzibit, as in "Yo Dawg, we put some FBI in your FBI so you can watch the FBI while you're in the FBI!") sullen and unnecessarily angry Agent Mosely Drummy (seriously, what is up with the names in this movie?!?). I can only conclude that these parts were cast via drawing names out of a hat. While the producers were drunk. And high. Anyway, back to what passes for a plot in this movie....

So, what great and portentous case brings the FBI knocking on Mulder's door after 8 years? The Smoking Man's risen from the grave? Aliens have taken the president hostage? Nope. There's a missing FBI agent. Oh yeah, and a pedophiliac ex-priest with a laughable Irish accent is having psychic visions in connection with the case. Yeah..... of course. Meanwhile, Scully is trying to save the life of one of her patients, a young boy with some vague untreatable illness. Well.... there is one treatment involving stem cell therapy. And after some battling with the hospital board and another of her emo crisis of faith tirades, she proceeds with the treatments. Wait wait wait. Stem cell treatments? In an uber-Catholic hospital? No. Fucking. Way. Not gonna happen. Fucking ludicrous lapse in screenwriting accuracy.

Moving along, the plot slowly plods on, eventually centering around a gay Russian organ transporter who kidnaps women with blood type AB (who he conveniently identifies by their medical alert bracelets and who all seem to reside in the same area of West Virginia) so that his crack Russian surgeon team with nothing better to do can repeatedly transplant the head of his lover onto fresh bodies every few weeks in order to keep him alive. Yeah, I'll let that sink in for a minute. The pedophile priest leads Mulder and Scully deeper down the rabbit hole via his mysterious psychic connection with the Russian lovers, all the while spouting prophetic mumbo-jumbo that he professes to know nothing about.

It just.... well, it makes your head hurt. There's barely even any paranormal activity to speak of. The plot elements, like the casting choices, seem to have been drawn at random. The show's creator Chris Carter once again returns to the same theological ground that Mulder and Scully circled for 9 seasons. It's over! We get it! Scully's Catholic faith is repeatedly tested by paranormal events until she eventually realizes that the paranormal events are in fact the proof of her faith after all. All the while Mulder heckles, jeers, and smiles knowingly while he chases down the proof to theories he already knows to be irrefutably true. The dynamic worked when it was bolstered by rock-solid plotting and interesting stories in the course of the show. This terrible excuse for a movie exposes it as the smoke and mirrors act it really is.

To be fair, none of this is really the fault of Duchovny or Anderson. While their chemistry is a little thin after all these years, they are still acting circles around both their inept castmates (Peete and Xzibit) and the steaming pile that is the script. Here's to hoping that Carter finally lets this once great television juggernaut rest in peace.

Storyline & plot: 2/10
Cinematography & effects: 5/10
Music & mood: 3/10
Performances: 5/10

The Reverend says: 3/10