The Car

Remember when you were a kid and you played with your Hot Wheels cars all afternoon, creating imaginary car chases and awesome explosions? Remember how your favorite car was basically invincible and could survive any of these imaginary crashes and could do the car equivalent of Matrix-style wire-fu moves? The Car (1977) is pretty much a movie version of that.

Honestly, there's really not much plot to sum up here. A demonic car goes on the rampage in a Southwestern town. It's up to James Brolin as Sheriff Wade Parent to kick that car's ass. As usual, Brolin's emoting runs the gamut from really cool and macho to slightly pained and really cool and macho. The film is a glorious schlockfest. It's bad. There's no denying that. But it's also hilarious (unintentionally, of course) and fun, so it's well worth it.

The effects are laughable. The sound used for the car's horn is quite noticeably that of a fucking big rig truck. An interesting aside: the exact same sound was used for the killer's truck in Jeepers Creepers (2001). Let's see, what else.... oh yeah, the cop cars in this town seem to explode at the drop of a hat, and the explosions inexplicably start somewhere in the front seat rather that at the gas tank or engine. Throughout the film, to create the illusion of speed during the car chases, the film has quite obviously been sped up, resulting in hilarious '20s-style silent movie footage.

But all these things pale in comparison to the utmost height of absurdity in this movie: the car literally goes through a house to kill someone. Straight through. Flies into the air, goes through the front wall, smashes into somebody, sails right on through the back wall of the house and continues on its merry way. I nearly pissed my pants from laughing so hard on that one. Classic.

There's not much else to say about The Car, besides mentioning obvious influences to later films such as Christine (1983), Maximum Overdrive (1986), and The Wraith (1986). It is what it is: a fun cheesy film with lots of car chases, explosions, and grisly murder.

Storyline & plot: 5/10

Cinematography & effects: 4/10

Music & mood: 7/10

Performances: 6/10

The Reverend says: 6/10

Dead Like Me: Life After Death

Back in 2004, Showtime's "Dead Like Me" joined an infamous list of great shows cut down in their prime, snuffed out way too soon for no discernible reason. I suppose the show's death was bitterly ironic, given its portrayal of sudden death, of life cut short for no discernible reason. But we fans still grieved. Given the deepening storylines surrounding head reaper Rube Sofer's mysterious past and George Lass's ongoing struggle to keep her life and her afterlife separate, it was unfathomable why "DLM" got the axe at the end of its second season amid critical and popular acclaim. Such is life, I suppose.

Then, in 2006, rumors started stirring about a possible DLM movie. As these things usually go, things were mulled over for awhile. Interest in the project, both internal and external, was gauged. Funds, schedules, and shooting locations were procured. And in 2008, the dream became a reality. Principle filming for Dead Like Me: Life After Death (2009) began. But there were already many disappointing hurdles. Mandy Patinkin declined to reprise his role as Rube Sofer, the lead reaper considered by many to be the heart of the show. Sofer was written out of DLM:LAD and replaced by Henry Ian Cusick as the slick and business-savy Cameron Kane (more on him later). Additionally, Laura Harris declined to return as Daisy Adair, the shallow-yet-deep reaper counterpart to Callum Blue's just plain shallow Mason. Instead of write Daisy's character out of the movie, producers chose another actress, the much less attractive and much less talented Sarah Wynter. On top of all this, it was announced that DLM:LAD would not have a theatrical run, but go straight to DVD. Not uncommon for a TV show movie spin-off, but many fans were disappointed just the same.

LAD picks up 5 years after events in season 2 of the series. Comics-style story boards and George Lass's (Ellen Muth) typically deadpan voice-over quickly catch us up on events. Little has changed in the intervening 5 years. Much like in life, death for undead reapers is filled with the quotidian trappings of a routine existence. The day's reaps are coordinated with earthly careers. After all, their physical bodies still require nutritional maintanence, and that requires money. But the team's routine is about to be shattered when they learn that Rube has received "his lights" and moved on to the next plane of existence. Cameron, Rube's replacement, is a fast-talking businessman looking to streamline the reaping team and working towards his own mysterious goals. Without Rube's stern influence, the team struggles to behave under the guidelines of the undead, which are admittedly fairly ambiguous. While attempting to fix a reap gone horribly wrong, George finds herself caught up in the lives of her mother and sister (Cynthia Stevenson & a grown-up and disturbingly hot Britt McKillip), whom she's been expressly forbidden to see.

This film suffers tremendously from a really terrible script. One of the great things about the series was the dynamic ensemble cast. George was always our narrator, but it would be untrue to call her the main character. For LAD, this convention is left by the wayside. The rest of the cast fades into the background, and Muth and McKillip are left to carry much of the film. Not that they are unworthy. Both are great actresses. But the film feels a little lifeless without the team dynamic. 

Moving on. The character of Cameron Kane is a mess. He is vastly underdeveloped, his motives are unfathomable, and at the end of the film, you've really gotta ask yourself if his character was completely superfluous. I'm thinking yes. The film's running time is pretty short (86 minutes), and you've gotta wonder if it should have been fleshed out to make some of the glaring plot holes a little less glaring. Once again, I'm thinking yes. And you know what, I think there's maybe 2 or 3 reaps in the movie. What the hell? The creative and elaborate deaths were yet another hallmark of the show that got lost along the way. Thank goodness that Muth can still deftly work with the existential poignancy of a wasted life, because that's one of the few things this film has going for it.

Aside from the writing disaster, this film is sorely missing the tremendous acting talents of Patinkin and Harris. Their replacements are boring, shallow, and quite obviously disadvantaged in the arena of acting talent. The music and effects are roughly comparable to the show, which is to say, good but not great.

The end of the film, of course, leaves the door wide open for a sequel. And yes, I would still welcome another film, because the show was that good and its legacy is strong, and also because there are still a lot of storylines to play out. But I would suggest that the next film's creators really sit down and think about where they want the next film to go. Oh, and getting down on your knees and begging Mandy Patinkin and Laura Harris to come back probably wouldn't hurt.

Storyline & plot: 4/10

Cinematography & effects: 6/10

Music & mood: 7/10

Performances: 5/10

The Reverend says: 5/10

Waxwork

Waxwork (1988) is a fairly obscure horror gem from the late 80s. I first saw this movie at the tender age of 7. Yeah, I know; maybe my parents were a little lax in letting a 7-year-old watch gory horror movies. But my older brother was 5 years my senior, making him 12 at the time. Since we did pretty much everything together back then, and my parents allowed him to watch these movies, they knew it would've been futile to try to stop me from watching them as well. For better or for worse, I was viewing fairly graphic movies at a young age. I'm fairly certain that Waxwork represented not only my first exposure to horror, but also to many subgenres of horror (I'll get to that in a minute), and for that, it will always hold a special place in my heart as a piece of nostalgic win.

In Waxwork, 6 teenagers are invited to a private midnight viewing at a mysterious wax museum. Despite the proprietor (David Warner) looking like an insane circus pedophile, resplendant in a purple and yellow big-top tuxedo, the kids find this to be an agreeable proposal. Dressed to the nines, and looking like nothing so much as a group of 80s douchebags and cheap hookers, the high-schoolers arrive at the museum. Things are a little off from the get-go, as the kids are greeted by a dwarf butler (Mihaly Meszaros) with Eastern European accents so thick as to be unintelligible. And Mr. Purple-and-Yellow is nowhere to be found. Undeterred, the kids blithely venture into the museum, where dioramas depict grisly scenes of terror featuring such greats as the Wolfman, Dracula, the Marquis de Sade, zombies, and mummies. The kids soon discover that each diorama is a portal into a realm of terror, where souls are collected in a ritual to summon a demon apocalypse. Can Mark (Zach Galligan) and Sarah (Deborah Foreman) stop the ritual before it's too late?

The genius of Waxwork lies in the script from first-time screenwriter and director Anthony Hickox. By utilizing the idea of the diorama portals, Hickox transforms Waxwork into a series of horror vignettes, tapping into and paying homage to some of horror's greatest traditions, movies, and subgenres. The creature costume and make-up effects are incredibly detailed, reportedly requiring 8 solid weeks of 18 hour days from effects artist Bob Keen. But this film was not built on effects alone. Each vignette not only features a different aspect of horror tradition, but it is steeped in that tradition as well. Camerawork, lighting, and music are all altered for each diorama scene to really bring these worlds to life.

Waxwork is fun and unique while still being awesomely 80s. Before Netflix, I had despaired of ever again seeing this obscure movie that had influenced me so much. Thanks Netflix! Waxwork stands the test of time.

Storyline & plot: 9/10

Cinematography & effects: 9/10

Music & mood: 9/10

Performances: 5/10

The Reverend says: 8/10

The Matador

The Matador (2005) was better than I expected, considering the two leads. From what I've seen, Greg Kinnear pretty much plays the same character in every movie he's in, and I expected Pierce Brosnan to be stuck in an acting box after enduring several years as James Bond. Granted, Kinnear was still fairly blah in this movie, but Brosnan was outstanding. He was outstanding because he was perfect playing a character-type that everybody knows in their real life, so everybody can relate to. I'm talking about that type of guy who is outwardly gregarious and fun, but who actually has no friends to speak of. That guy who gets drunk publicly, makes lewd comments and advances, and generally makes an ass out of himself. Yet, in his own way, he's very likeable, and people find it difficult to turn him away when he turns on his hang-dog charm. Oh yeah, and in The Matador, that guy is also a hitman.

Travelling pitchman Danny (Kinnear), recovering from personal tragedy and facing financial ruin, meets aging hitman and ex-cool guy Julian (Brosnan) in a Mexico City bar. Despite Julian's profession and his asshole demeanor, the two men become tentative friends. Fast forward six months. Danny's life has taken a turn for the better. His business is successful and he leads a comfortable life with his wife in Denver. Things have not gone so well for Julian. Years of booze and a transient existence have taken their toll on Julian's psyche, and a couple of botched jobs have made him a marked man. His bosses have given him one more chance, on more hit, to make good and erase the price on his head. There's just one catch: Julian needs an accomplice. With no colleagues or friends to call on, Julian makes his way to Denver to beg Danny to help him.

This film is remarkably funny, mostly propelled by sharp comedic writing and Brosnan's hilarious one-liners. Also, a speedo, some cowboy boots, and a hotel lobby. But when the writing and acting turn to more serious and "touching" moments, it all falls apart. The lines are clunky, the actors are melodramatic, and the music hits on hackneyed swells of strings. It's all a little too saccharine for me. While The Matador's score is only so-so, the soundtrack, including some great transition tracks from The Jam, Tom Jones, and Asia, is pretty good. The film also feels a little short. The intro drags on a little too long, and then suddenly, we're setting up for the climactic final reel. The film would benefit from a little more beef in the middle section. Some fleshing out of the story, maybe some more detail/flashbacks. I don't know. It just needs..... something.

All in all, worth a watch. Wish the writers/director would have stuck to the comedy gold rather than veering into corny emotional content now and again. Wish the middle of the film had some more to it. But very funny, nonetheless.

Storyline & plot: 6/10

Cinematography & effects: 7/10

Music & mood: 6/10

Performances: 7/10

The Reverend says: 7/10

The Andromeda Strain

The Andromeda Strain (1971) was adapted from Michael Crichton's groundbreaking first novel of the same name, inspired by a conversation between Crichton and a professor about the possibility of a crytalline lifeform. The novel and the film have served as a model for numerous films and novels since, ranging from Outbreak (1995) to Stephen King's The Stand to 12 Monkeys (1995). Given Crichton's educational background and attention to detail, Andromeda is undoubtedly among the most realistic and scientifically accurate of these epidemic movies. But far from being a boring scientific exploration, Andromeda is in turns thrilling, chilling, and harrowing.

The action follows the Wildfire team, an infection-containment group assembled at a remote government installation in Nevada. Up until a government sattelite crash-landed in a New Mexico town and an unidentified pathogen decimated the population, the Wildfire team's existence and protocol were purely theoretical. Now, the team must assemble for the first time and race against the clock to discover the nature of the alien pathogen, dubbed the Andromeda Strain. Their only clues are a delirious old man and a baby who miraculously survived the initial outbreak. Can the team solve the mystery before a nuclear blast obliterates the Wildfire facility and potentially spreads the Andromeda Strain across the globe?

The Andromeda Strain comes from the screenwriter/director team that also gave life to The Haunting (1963), arguably one of the eeriest, most frightening movies ever committed to film. Additionally, director Robert Wise had quite a resume under his belt at this point, ranging from horror (The Haunting) to scifi (The Day the Earth Stood Still) to musicals (West Side Story). The film is a seamless blending: one part space scifi, one part technological thriller, one part procedural (including a lengthy decontamination sequence at the Wildfire facility). The acting in the film is not outstanding, but quite sufficient in a film where the true stars are technology and the Andromeda Strain itself. The film's score is quite subdued, with many stretches going completely without music. When sounds do come into play, it's often in the form of a technological hybrid, incorporating the boops and beeps of 70s-era computer technology.

The worth of this subdued techno-thriller is even greater, considering that today's filmmakers would be hard pressed to make such a film without the aid of gratuitous explosions, car chases, and probably some sort of romantic tension/sex scene. Sometimes, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

Plot & storyline: 8/10

Cinematography & effects: 7/10

Music & mood: 7/10

Performances: 6/10

The Reverend says: 7/10

Botched

Oh boy. My experience with Botched (2007) is the model for the pitfalls of an "awarded film." The film's blurb on Netflix sounded promising: a botched heist, a muderous psycho, gorefest. Plus, the kicker: it won Best Feature at the NYC Horror Film Festival in 2007. Well, I figured, New Yorkers know good film. Or at least fun film. Or so I thought. That's the last time I let a populist award sway my renting decision.

Well, one thing is for certain. They picked the perfect word to describe this film. Botched is right. This thing is an utter disaster. The producers, directors, and writers obviously had no idea what they wanted this film to be. Is it a heist-gone-wrong film? Is it atmospheric horror? Is it horror-comedy? Is it slapstick? God help me, but I think the film's creators were striving for slapstick horror on this one. Yes, that kind of movie can be pulled off. For examples, see the Evil Dead movies and Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, among others. But it's not a genre to be attempted without at least an iota of acting talent and pretty kick-ass writing crew. Or else you end up with a trainwreck like Botched.

The action follows our protagonist, Ritchie (Steven Dorff) as he attempts to pull of a heist in Moscow with a couple of Russian brothers, Peter and Yuri. But the heist is botched from the get-go, as Peter unloads his itchy trigger finger on an innocent woman. During their escape, the trio end up with elevator trouble and find themselves trapped on the 13th floor (how original) with a group of hostages, including a couple of computer nerds, an attractive Russian businesswoman, an ex-military security guard, and a trio of religious fanatics. Soon enough, a mysterious killer slowly (wayyyyy toooooo slowly) starts offing people and dragging their bodies off to his lair. Now the heist-men and the hostages are going to have to work together to get off the 13th floor alive.

Let's just start with the litany of atrociousness in this movie, shall we? Aside from Geoff Bell as Boris the security guard, there is not an ounce of acting ability in this cast. They're abysmal. You'd think that sometime in the course of his long career that Steven Dorff wold have learned how to act. Alas, no. He takes his place alongside Keanu Reeves as the "generic placeholder" actors of our generation.

The writing and directing, also terrible. The pacing sucks. It's so freakin slow! The characters spend way more time talking about what they're going to do, or just aimlessly milling around, than actually doing anything. And the lines these poor actors have to deliver! They're terrible. Nobody talks like that. Each character isn't really a person, they're an overblown charicature. But the biggest sin enacted against this movie was not actually hiring any RUSSIANS. The cast is American. The movie is set in, let's see, where was it again? Oh yeah, MOSCOW! American actors, speaking English. With really terrible Russian accents. It's hideous.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the crazy psychotic killer. At first glance, he's kinda like the Kurgan from Highlander. Hey, not bad, right? Oh wait, no. On second glance, he's kinda like the Kurgan..... if the Kurgan were an incompetent disco-loving ballerina, that is.

And the "twist" at the end? It's not exciting, and it's hardly even relevant to the story. Twist? Who gives a shit? Just please, roll the fucking credits and let us get on with our lives.

Storyline & plot: 0/10

Cinematography & effects: 4/10

Music & mood: 2/10

Performances: 1/10

The Reverend says: 1/10

Lifeforce

Lifeforce (1985) has a lot going for it. Insanely hot space vampires. A zombie epidemic. Patrick Stewart (was that guy ever not bald?). What more could you ask for? In my book, not a whole lot. This film is fun, scary, and epic, and I have no idea why it bombed at the box-office.

The film opens on an international space crew about to board an alien vessel that they've found among the asteroids and space debris of the tail of Halley's Comet. Amid the dessicated corpses of a bat-like alien species, the astronauts discover 3 nude humanoid lifeforms in suspended animation. Once back on earth, the aliens revive, escape, and begin draining the lifeforce from Londoners, turning their victims into dessicated zombies, and sparking an epidemic on the the streets of London. The city's only hope may be Colonel Carlsen (Steve Railsback), lone surviving member of the space shuttle crew, who apparently has a mysterious link to the space vampires. Carlsen and Colonel Caine (Peter Firth) from the British SAS frantically track the lead vampire as her essence hops from body to body, hoping to trap her in a body long enough to dispose of her.

Oh, and did I mention that the lead vampire (Mathilda May) is insanely hot? Did I also mention that she spends almost every single second of her screentime completely nude? Seriously, how did this movie not do well??

What Lifeforce has going on the surface is quite enough to make it a good fun movie, but it's the subtle undercurrents that make it great. The film examines issues as diverse as identity, gender, destiny, the soul, the afterlife, and world folklore and legends. And it's scary? And there's zombies? And there's an extremely gorgeous, extremely naked woman? This movie was seriously underrated in its own time, and although it has gathered a small cult following in the 25 years since its release, it is still woefully ignored.

I mean, come on! Lifeforce was helmed by a legendary director in Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergeist) The score for the film, which is gloriously bombastic and epic, was composed by the legendary Henry Mancini. The film includes a relatively early big-screen performance from Patrick Stewart, who has since gone on to become a legend in his own right. How many times do I have to say legendary??

The acting is awesomely classicly British, the score is phenomenal, the story draws on lots of horror and folklore tropes while still being unique. True, by today's standards, some of the effects are slightly hokey (but only slightly), but in terms of 1985, these were top-of-the-line effects.

My recommendation: definitely check this one out. It's got a lot going on, and you're bound to find something you can get behind.

Storyline & plot: 9/10

Cinematography & effects: 8/10

Music & mood: 10/10

Performances: 6/10

The Reverend says: 8/10